I'm sorry that it's okay with you that what we once had we have no longer. That you are content to go day by day without any sharing, touching, kissing or even speaking. I hate it that two people who used to be so close and would share even the smallest detail could actually go for days without speaking.

I'm sorry that you don't miss the wild and passionate intimacy that used to have us making love three times a day at least. I miss looking at you and seeing the wild desire that always had me dripping wet and needing to crawl into your skin and wear you like a glove. I remember how we would make love for hours and sleep only to wake and start again.

I'm sorry that the laughter has quieted in this home. I wish for the days of being carefree and finding joy in everything we saw and laughing in pure delight at the smallest of things. To be together with friends and exchanging a look that let me know that we would be laughing over what just happened later. I miss arising each morning anxious to share the next great adventure the day would bring.

I'm sorry that you no longer care about anything but being away from home. That you tell me you love me but don't show it with a gentle touch, a warm smile and a passionate kiss that had us making love anywhere and any place. That words of love are so unbelievably spoken but echo with a sound of death to my ears.

I'm sorry that you found it so easy to lie and cheat. That you thought I was so stupid that I wouldn't figure anything out. That you know me so well that you never had to fear my leaving. That drinking and staying out at bars was hidden by the different schedules we both worked and I never knew about it for years.

I'm sorry that the vows of marriage actually mean something to me. That the fear of you drinking all of the time if I don't stay with you, keeps me bound to this existence. That knowing you love me in some twisted way in your head allows you to abstain from drinking while you are at home, yet, as soon as you take off to hunt or fish, I am well aware that you are drinking.

I'm sorry that I don't have the courage to walk away and not worry about you killing yourself or some innocent person because without me you have no one to remind you that if you drink and drive, this marriage will be over. That I feel responsible for you and don't know how to not feel that way.

I'm sorry that you will do anything for me or people I care about out of your love for me. That every time I seem to finally get the courage to tell you that I'm out of this life, something happens and you do just the right thing that makes me feel guilty and unable to make a life for myself. That I actually made a condition of my staying be that you not drink and you actually hold to that when you are at home.

I'm sorry for your addiction. The fact that you actually don't understand that you are addicted. In my eyes, I see that you make a choice to drink over making the choice of my love. The fact that you don't care that years of drinking have robbed you of your libido and desire to share your body with mine. That you hear me say to you that if you don't do something about it, I will seek gratification somewhere else.

I'm sorry that I see the remnants of the man I fell in love with. That I keep trying to tell you how my feelings are gone and that staying with you is killing me. I hate to see the hurt in your eyes and to watch you cry and to hear you tell me that without me you will die. That you tell my family that if it wasn't for me, you would be dead. That you actually think I have saved your life.

I'm sorry that I still care about you enough to stay. I'm sorry that you are so selfish that you never consider what you are doing to me. I'm sorry that you are weak and scared and use that, knowing that I will feel guilty. I'm sorry that I am weak and actually think it's okay to allow myself to feel responsible for you. I'm sorry that in my crazy mixed up picture I have of myself, I feel the guilt of ending this nightmare would actually hurt me worse than staying.

And so, I count my many blessings and wake each morning at least feeling some sort of happiness in the fact that someday I will have had enough and will seek an existence that makes me feel fulfilled. I will find that no matter what the cost, I deserve something better. I will care enough about myself and will quit playing the martyr. I will know that I gave everything I could to this marriage and will not feel like I could have done something more and, therefore, will not feel as if I failed.

...