Recently I went into an MSN chat. This is something I normally do not do unless it is a group I found when I first came on the net. All the other groups seem to be meat markets loaded with people who cannot spell and have nothing on their minds but cyber sex and quite frankly, that just does not interest me. Oh sure, I participated in that when I first came on the internet scene, but it is so unfulfilling and a lesson in frustration when you have no partner to alleviate the throbbing in your body!

I was totally bored and throwing caution to the wind, I entered a chat room and was immediately hit by several shady characters! I get so tired of hitting the ignore button and always forget to change my chat room options to not accept whispers. Just as I get ready to do that very thing, I receive a whisper from a gentleman that, wow, can actually spell and that I immediately felt a connection to. Seems he was very intelligent and just looking for someone who could maintain a decent level of conversation. Well, if you have read anything I have written before, you well know that if my mind is being stimulated, my body is soon to follow.

After several minutes of chatting, I could tell this man was the real thing. He was sincere, honest and so interesting to talk with that I actually asked him if he had Messenger and would he mind moving to there and leaving the chat room. I allow very few people on my Messenger, especially men, so you have to know how taken I was with him.

So, here I am, married and stuck in a relationship that I hate and maintain out of a sense of responsibility and guilt. I’m talking with a man that is single and seems to be very open and honest about all of his life and who he is and what he stands for and mirrors how I feel. We have many of the same interests and the same zest for life and want to be with someone who will match our passions and desires in this life we have been blessed with.

So now what? Let’s just say that for a person who tries to keep my life very centered and based on reality, the wonderful conversations shared with me by him are causing me to go to that place where I tend to fantasize about what I so want to have. I’m trying desperately to keep my feelings in check and remind myself that I’ve always said I would not enter into a relationship unless I have finally gotten out of this mess I currently am in.

Lying in bed at night, all alone, I try to sleep but find my mind and body tortured with the desires and passions that fill me with a restlessness like I’ve not experience before. Damn, it’s like the words he types and the life he shares are painting my mind with an actual hope that, yes, there is someone out there that I’d love the opportunity to get to know.

The shackles of this empty marriage are totally smothering me and I’m really frightened by the thought of his losing interest in speaking with me as I have nothing further to offer him since I’m not "free". Would a fabulous man like him be interested in an affair and all that it would entail? Would he even consider it? Would I want an affair? That term is just so tawdry that I flinch at even using it. Oh, whoa, slow down. It’s like I really think he is even that interested.

The thing is, I can almost taste him. I bet I even know how his kiss will feel and taste. Oh my, when I think about his hands just touching my face I nearly faint with the reactions that flow through my body. I want to touch him. I want to look in his eyes when he speaks of those he loves and things in life that excite him. I want to laugh with him and tease with him. I want to be able to hold him and kiss him gently when he speaks of painful things.

I want to share the beauty of where I live with him. I want to share my love for nature and how it touches me to experience it with someone who has the same love of the things in life that have kept me alive.

Hell, I just want to meet him. I want to sit in a quiet place and get to know him. I want to know everything there is to know about him. I want to soak up his very essence. I have to say, if there were a mutual chemical reaction, I might just have to have him immediately! The desire and need that he already triggers in me would bring me to never before known heights of passion with the depth of actually experiencing this man.

So, what’s a girl to do? I know, I’m totally blowing this out of proportion and should just settle my silly ass down. I’m trying. I try to hold myself at a distance and resist "throwing" myself at him! So, people, I guess it’s back to reality for me. I am going to do my best to maintain some lady-like decorum and see if I’m just letting my imagination run away from me.

But you know what? This is a wake-up call to me and should be to all of you who are struggling with a relationship that is so dead it should have been buried years ago. Life is short. We search all of our life for someone to compliment our needs and desires. Who do we have to blame but ourselves when we might actually meet that very person and are not available to experience it? Do I want to get married again? I’ve always said absolutely not. I can’t really know that for sure but I know this for sure, this life I have currently may just cost me the one thing I’ve wanted all of my life…someone who is my soul mate.